In a stunning development, today the International Olympics Committee (IOC) named me Commissioner of the world’s first triathlon-specific Olympic Games. My first order of business was to select the venue. I narrowed down the host cities to Tucson, San Diego, Boulder, Tampa (home of the World Triathlon Corporation), and Sherman Oaks, California – where I currently live. I originally picked Tampa, but Challenge Family stepped in quickly and renamed the city Challenge St. Petersburg. After confirming with my local pool manager that he can handle the onslaught of international athletes, the decision was easy. He even dropped pool fees to $2 per Olympian. No library card needed.
The 2014 Triathlon Olympics, hosted by the enclave of Sherman Oaks, California, commissioned by yours truly, is a go.
Isn’t it too soon for qualifying? Will your coach allow such a big distraction as the season is just now ramping up? Of course! I’ve secured a special deal with the WTC where a medal in any of the sports below will contribute to your All World Athlete ranking. You’ll be even closer to the top 1 percent in our sport than you thought.
My next step as Commissioner of the First Game of the Triathlon Olympiad was to announce the sports. Athletes may compete in as many as they’d like, which falls perfectly in line with our Latin motto: Maximus, Frenzius, Expensivus.
Floor exercise: Perfect for newcomers, floor exercise will be confined to a 2×3-foot space and rate athletes on their most creative and interpretive transitions. Added points will be awarded for unnecessary obstacle placement such as tubs of water, towels, and complete wardrobe changes.
TT Sledding: Instead of discouraging drafting on individual bikes in an Ironman-distance race, the Triathlon Olympics will welcome it. A team of four cyclists will ride one specially built triathlon bike and work together to achieve the fastest time on a 56-mile course.
Vault: Not really a sport, but more what’s required to be a successful triathlete. Vault will honor the wealthiest triathletes who possess the most expensive equipment yet finish with the combined slowest time in an Olympic-distance triathlon.
Wetsuit Freestyle: Inspired by the crazy tricks of the half-pipe and Slopestyle Winter Olympics events, wetsuit freestyle will reward competitors for creative and innovative techniques to remove their wetsuit in the fastest time. There will be individual medals and a pairs competition for wetsuit stripping.
Team Crew: Finally, spectators can be awarded for their selfless sacrifices. A team of up to five crew members will be judged on speed and creativity for tent setup, poster making, cheering, course navigation and full-contact bleacher seat-saving. I think this could be the Curling of the Triathlon Olympics.
Power Foam Rolling: Winners will be measured by pounds per square inch of force applied to a specially equipped foam roller. This one’s for the real pain pushers who love suffering.
Swim Rugby: The Triathlon Olympics start where Ironman events stop. Swim rugby competitors will demonstrate superior ability to navigate the scrum of a mass swim start in a 200-yard out-and-back sprint. No wave starts here.
Ironman Race Entry: Perhaps the most technically challenging event of the Triathlon Olympics, IRE, as it’s known, will measure how many Ironman races participants can sign up for in a 15-minute span before they all sell out.
Merchandise Tent Slalom: Competitors will negotiate a tough course designed by merciless retail executives to challenge willpower and drive purchase intent. How fast can you get through a line without buying a T-shirt, hoodie, beer stein, license plate frame and branded underwear? You can’t let up for a second in this one.
Vocals Marathon: Also known as “The Reilly,” contestants will put their vocal stamina to the ultimate test as they vie to see who can say, “You are an Ironman!” the most over a 17-hour period.
Pookie Pairs: Medals will be awarded to the three two-person teams who must complete an Ironman and finish at the same time. Style points will be added for artistic impression in the finisher’s chute.
100m Porto-Dash: What’ an Olympics without a sprint? What’s a triathlon without a sprint to a portable toilet?
Tri-Triathlon: The Triathlon Olympics must have a triathlon! It is ordained. Ours will be a little different. The final relay option will pit teams against each other to pack up a transition area, run with bikes into a congested lot and drive through heavy traffic to a pub three miles away.
You didn’t think there would be beer involved at the Triathlon Olympics? Shame on you.
That’s not even the best part of the Triathlon Olympics. Every athlete who participates in the inaugural games is granted an automatic entry to the Ironman World Championships.
Being inaugural Triathlon Olympics commissioner has its benefits.