The advice column for people in a relationship with an endurance athlete.
“Abby” is married to a professional triathlete and therefore lives with bonkers on a daily basis. If you want your burning questions answered, please email email@example.com
Dear Abby – My wife is a triathlete and she pretty much only hangs out with triathletes. Pretty much all they talk about is triathlon. “Lake Placid is such a fun course.” “I always go too hard on the bike and it kills my run.” Blah blah blah. Is there any way to make it stop and get them to talk about something else? -Flacid in Lake Placid.
Dear Flacid in Lake Placid,
Have you considered that she talks triathlon non-stop because you bore her to tears? Agreed, triathlon talk can feel like being pecked to death by a chicken, but what’s the alternative? Listen to you moaning on about imbeciles at work or your dodgy knees? I’d take verbal diarrhea about transition times any time. If you’re looking for ways to reconnect with the Mrs, I suggest you find things to stimulate her mind, recapture her attention, and help her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. As a warm up act, you might try dropping tri-relevant trivia in dinner conversation… “darling, did you know that Fifty Shades of Grey author, E.L James has a Cervelo P4?” Of course the stimulating part comes with explaining how exactly you came to know that.
Dear Abby – How do I politely tell my boyfriend that wearing arm warmers with a triathlon race top (you know, so his shoulders are uncovered) looks stupid without hurting his feelings? -Amanda, Florida
Why ever would you want to say this politely? He needs a slap. Your first mistake is assuming that this will hurt his feelings. If he’s like all other triathletes, he’s likely to already have undergone epigenetic change, specifically to the “do I look a douche bag?” gene. Lycra has rendered him incapable of judging his own fashion sense. Why else would he wear neon calf compression but no actual socks to stop his feet smelling like rakfish. Remember your A-B-Cs of a fashion intervention with a triathlete: Ankle Socks (wear them), Bra tops on men (never, never, never), Compression (unless you have DVT or the ability to fabricate scientific evidence, it’s just wrong). I suggest you leave warm-armed-singlet-man alone.
Disclaimer: This advice is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any relationship diseases. In fact, following this advice may, at best, exacerbate your problems or, at worst, introduce new issues you were previously unaware of. Crucially, the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of LAVA magazine, it’s editors, publishers or it’s subsidiaries. In fact we all wash our hands of this silly nonsense. Well, except Alice in Accounts, but she’s already two stops south of nuts.