The advice column for people in a relationship with an endurance athlete.
“Abby” is married to a professional triathlete and therefore lives with bonkers on a daily basis. If you want your burning questions answered, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Abby, Why do triathletes gossip so much?
Who told you that?
How do I start a conversation with a woman I see on the street running or biking or whatever? Assume I will also be on a bike or running. I won’t be screaming out a car door at them or anything like that. -Single in Coconut Creek, FL
Dear Single in Coconut Creek,
How would you normally start a conversation with a woman? That’s a good place to start. Just add heavy breathing and sweat, and be yourself. If being yourself already involves sweat and heavy breathing (and possibly a webcam) then you might consider talking with a therapist first. However, if you’re just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him, then here are a few tips. Incidentally, if that last sentence makes you feel more Ariel Castro than Notting Hill, go back to step 1. Ok, first pay attention to body language and obey the headphone rule. Women use headphones during workouts not just for the David Guetta playlist but also as a social contraceptive. Like ponytails on men. It’s a sex repellent They don’t want to be asked what they’re listening to, what they’re training for, or what the logo on their jersey means. They just want to train in peace and win 60 minutes of guilt free eating tonight. Despite what you might think, she already knows that you’ve been staring at her. And there goes strike one. It’s hard to get in under the radar when most women have exceptional douchebag vision – that sixth sense for detecting and evading creeps. Just remember that the strategies she uses to avoid your gaze are the same strategies you use to avoid a soapy stare at Harry’s meat-and-two-veg after masters swim (he’s not buying those pretend neck exercises either). You get one opportunity in headphoneland. Make it count. Expecting a woman to take her headphones out a second time is, well, annoying (to her). A third time is just plain creepy. And always respect the headphone rule. Always, always. If she puts just one ear bud back in, you may have a shot. Well, in the sense that she’s charitable. Authenticity is your trump card. Just be yourself. At least she’ll appreciate that. Whatever flavor of scared that is. No one wants a bait-and-switch boyfriend. Perhaps point out a pot hole, glass on the road, or a dangerous obstacle. Then start pointing out things that become increasingly ridiculous. You get the idea. Be different. A laugh and a wireless ear is your red carpet.
What is the proper etiquette for high fives after a stop in the blue phone booth? Jene, San Diego.
What in the world would you be high-fiving to? Laying so much cable that Pine Valley finally gets HBO? Proper etiquette is to stop being so self-congratulatory about nearly shitting yourself in the first place.
Disclaimer: This advice is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any relationship diseases. In fact, following this advice may, at best, exacerbate your problems or, at worst, introduce new issues you were previously unaware of. Crucially, the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of LAVA magazine, it’s editors, publishers or it’s subsidiaries. In fact we all wash our hands of this silly nonsense. Well, except Alice in Accounts, but she’s already two stops south of nuts.