The advice column for people in a relationship with an endurance athlete.
“Abby” is married to a professional triathlete and therefore lives with bonkers on a daily basis. If you want your burning questions answered, please email email@example.com.
This one is serious. My boyfriend shit himself (literally) during a triathlon race and I got mad at him about it. There were porta potties everywhere — and even bushes — but he just kept running and went in his shorts (not massive, but enough to gross you out). He even seemed proud of his poopy experience, like it was a poop-badge of courage. We had a big fight and he does not understand why his little doo-doo problem is not hot and now I’ve noticed how many of his other training habits are also very unattractive. Is this my issue or his? -Disgusted in Austin, TX
Dear Disgusted in Austin,
I hope you realize that you’ve just disclosed more psychological issues than the number of sentences you have used to explain them. That’s a sentence-to-problem ratio of <1. That’s cuckoo-nest level stuff. I’m going to do my best to provide some advice, straining to ignore that (a) your use of first-grade language about feces probably warrants nine years of therapy, (b) your simply awful choice of metaphor (a badge-o-crap), (c) the fact that your boyfriend finds defecating “hot” suggests you may be only be one wine spritzer away from meeting Dirty Sanchez, (d) the fact that you two fight over pant-crapping, and (e) no one says ‘triathlon race.’ I could go on but we have darker, nuttier problems to solve. Listen, endurance athletes shit themselves. Fact. Runners’ hold top honors, followed by triathletes, cyclists, and then, rather disgustingly, swimmers. The good news is that the faster your bowel transit time (i.e., the time from mouth to first sign of turtle-head), the lower your risk of colorectal cancer. Speed is good because that’s less time for the carcinogenic fecal bile acids to go postal in your colonic mucosa. So despite what your kindergarten teacher told you, it does actually pay to crap your pants. Endurance athletes are especially prone because of their diets (lower fat, higher fiber) and the intestinal massage that comes with every step. Throw in a double espresso (a laxative) and you have the makings of a turd-torpedo that could out-slide an Olympic bobsled team. Get used to it.
I live near the coast in Southern California and have noticed a trend among my wife’s friends of doing yoga on stand up paddle boards. WTF? It looks ridiculous. How can I get hem to stop? -Pete, Dana Point, CA
I’m pretty sure SUP yoga is incest. The assumption that two Zens will make a (en)light(enment) is just wrong. What is it with these people? Like the guy (it must have been a guy) who thought that steak AND lobster on the same plate was a good idea. Absolutely clueless about the neurobiology of pleasure. I can only imagine how the idea started about SUP Yoga… “I know, let’s create a floating sculpture of me.” I think we all agree that when LLPSI* ratings stay low, no one gets hurt. Let’s keep it that way.
*Lululemon per square inch
Disclaimer: This advice is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any relationship diseases. In fact, following this advice may, at best, exacerbate your problems or, at worst, introduce new issues you were previously unaware of. Crucially, the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of LAVA magazine, it’s editors, publishers or it’s subsidiaries. In fact we all wash our hands of this silly nonsense. Well, except Alice in Accounts, but she’s already two stops south of nuts.