The advice column for people in a relationship with an endurance athlete.
“Abby” is married to a professional triathlete and therefore lives with bonkers on a daily basis. If you want your burning questions answered, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
I think my wife may be sleeping with my training partner. I know I need to address this. Should I confront my wife or my training partner first? I know this is probably going to get ugly but is it bad that I really want to keep training with my friend? There are so few strong age groupers in my area. -Worried in Omaha.
Dear Worried in Omaha,
My advice is to first make sure make you have your facts straight. Confronting a suspected cheater only to find out they have been planning a surprise birthday party for you makes you look, well, like an idiot. However, I’m troubled even by the architecture of your suspicion. I love how you blame your wife but blissfully overlook your ass-wipe of a friend’s betrayal. Listen pal, people cheat for three reasons: boredom, lust, or love. Either way, your five day outlook ain’t looking too good. I suggest you first take a deep look inward and ask yourself if something’s gone wrong in the ‘you’ department. Have you become emotionally unavailable? Are you working too hard? Become a whiny pessimist of Olympic proportion? If none of the above, she could just be a horrible person. Depending on your sense of sexual adventure, why not go all in and suggest a threesome? After all, much of what you already love comes in threes. Should that be horribly unfulfilling (and for the record, most threesomes are, particularly if she’s already bored senseless with shagging you) then you need to make a more serious decision. I suggest you ditch them both and start to enter as many races as you can because you need to take advantage of the incredible ergogenic aid that is break-up form. You’ll be flying in your next 70.3 because there’s no faster athlete than a scorned and newly single middle aged man.
I recently read Chrissie Wellington’s memoir where she talked about her eating disorder. Was her book helpful or harmful? Do you feel that it will help women confront their eating issues or give them a blue print for success and allow them to say “well if she could win and not eat then so can I?” -Concerned in Bend, OR.
Dear Concerned in Bend,
It’s irrelevant because Chrissie’s memoir was never intended as a dietary teaching tool. Eating disorders are alarmingly common among female endurance athletes and therapeutic gains can be made by giving sufferers an opportunity to empathize with others who have also experienced the inner voices that literally and figuratively eat away at them. Your suggestion that (a) some female athletes are looking for a guidebook on how to actually do it, and (b) that the mind of a disordered eater is focused on performance gain are two very solid reasons why you should stick to selling insurance.
Disclaimer: This advice is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any relationship diseases. In fact, following this advice may, at best, exacerbate your problems or, at worst, introduce new issues you were previously unaware of. Crucially, the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of LAVA magazine, it’s editors, publishers or it’s subsidiaries. In fact we all wash our hands of this silly nonsense. Well, except Alice in Accounts, but she’s already two stops south of nuts.