The advice column for people in a relationship with an endurance athlete.
“Abby” is married to a professional triathlete and therefore lives with bonkers on a daily basis. If you want your burning questions answered, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
Do you think there should be triathlon fashion police at races? For example, shouldn’t someone pull people wearing white kits aside and let them know when they get sweaty we can see their junk? Shouldn’t someone tell the women on the podium they look all butchy in their T-shirts and sandals? -Annoyed in Florida
Dear Annoyed in Florida,
I’ll skip over the fact that your letter is a veritable fishbowl of homophobic stereotype (although I suspect homoerotism is really behind it) and cut straight to the chase. White lycra is never acceptable. Ever. Wet white lycra is a war crime. They see glistening muscled sinew, we see hairy rodents being bounced around in a sack, or ass hair so black and matted it could make rope. Next time a WLA (white lycra athlete) passes you, thank him for reminding you to buy button mushrooms on the way home. As for ‘butchy’ women on the podium, normal people see strong athletic gals in comfortable post-race apparel after spending countless hours spent stuffed in lycra being stared at by perverts like you. I think you need to work on your relationship with women and stop thinking of the podium as a pageant stage.
How do I talk to a woman at masters swim practice without sounding like a cheeseball. I have a real problem talking with women in bathing suits so I just don’t talk. They all think I am an a-hole because I am too shy to talk. -Embarrassed in Laguna Niguel
Dear Embarrassed in Laguna Niguel,
Ah yes, the shy-not-aloof paradox. Well, a hearty dollop of virgin confidence may be all you need to start up a conversation. Think of it like trying a foreign language in a new country. You’ll get points for trying. You need a plan. First, focus on the face and only the face. If you find your eyes dropping more than 3 inches beneath her chin, start clutching your hamstring as if you have cramp. Never, and I mean never, let yourself think or say anything that is remotely creepy during a swimsuit interaction (“you look cold” – a nipple interpretation), “you look strong” (could be interpreted as weight gain), wanna go for a drink? (it’s 5.30am, what are you, an alcoholic?). Do not try to offer technique or training advice (many men suddenly feel the annoying need to become coaches around women). Failing that, get on the pool deck at 5.30am (i.e., barely enough light for her to see your outtie), and ask her if she’s been watching Naked and Afraid. The subliminal message will percolate long enough for her to realize that you’re either worth a shot or that she needs to stop doing tumble turns within 50ft of you.
Disclaimer: This advice is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any relationship diseases. In fact, following this advice may, at best, exacerbate your problems or, at worst, introduce new issues you were previously unaware of. Crucially, the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of LAVA magazine, it’s editors, publishers or it’s subsidiaries. In fact we all wash our hands of this silly nonsense. Well, except Alice in Accounts, but she’s already two stops south of nuts.